Islamic clean jokes and riddles

What is Haraam, but when swallowed loved by Allah?












Answer: Pride

Two business men seated on an airplane noticed a Muslim man sitting in front of them, one of the men says to the other with a wink, "I was going to go to Africa until I found out that half the country is Muslim so I don't want to go there".

The other man says, "We'll how about Saudi Arabia then?"

The first man says "No way, that place is loaded with those Muslims too."

The other man suggests a trip to the US but his companion says "The Muslims have spread out over the whole country every time I turn around there I bump into one."

The men are watching the Muslim, and can see that the Muslim man is fidgeting and getting kind of agitated about their conversation. The fellow who started the teasing decides to really get him mad and says "I really wanted to go to Pakistan but that place is crawling with Muslims"

At this the Muslim man has had it and finally turns around in his seat and sweetly says to the men, "Why don't you both go to Hell? There's hardly any Muslims there!"

One hot day, Mulla Nasruddin was taking it easy in the shade of a walnut tree. After a time, he started eyeing speculatively, the huge pumpkins growing on vines and the small walnuts growing on a majestic tree.

Sometimes I just can't understand the ways of God! He mused. Just fancy letting tiny walnuts grow on so majestic a tree and huge pumpkins on the delicate vines!

Just then a walnut snapped off and fell smack on Mulla Nasruddin's bald head. He got up at once and lifting up his hands and face to heavens in supplication, said:

Oh, my God! Forgive my questioning your ways! You are all-wise. Where would I have been now, if pumpkins grew on trees!

I'm light as a feather, yet the strongest man can't hold me for much more than a minute. What am I?



Answer: Breath


Give me food, and I will live; give me water, and I will die. What am I?



Answer: Fire



The man who invented it doesn't want it. The man who bought it doesn't need it. The man who needs it doesn't know it. What is it?



Answer: Coffin


True Incident: During a Jumah Khutbah in a small town, an Imam talked about the significance of saying "Insha Allah" (which means if Allah wills) when planning to do something in the future. After a few days, a man who had also attended the Khutbah was going to buy a cow from the market. On the way, he met a friend who asked him where he was going. He told him about buying the cow but did not say Insha Allah in the end. His friend reminded him about the Khutbah and told him to say Insha Allah. However, this individual said that he had the money he needs and the energy to go to the market, thus, there is no point of saying Insha Allah as he will certainly buy the cow. He thought that saying Insha Allah will not make any difference.
When he reached the market, he found a cow that met his expectations. He bargained with the seller and came to a reasonable price. Finally, he decided to pay for the cow but was dumbfounded when he discovered that his money was missing. A thief had stolen the money while he was walking through the busy market. The cow seller asked him whether he was going to buy the cow or not. "Insha Allah, I will buy it next week," he said. When he reached home, his wife inquired about the cow. He told her about how he forgot to say Insha Allah, and also added, "Insha Allah, I wanted to buy the cow. But Insha Allah, my money was stolen. Insha Allah, I will buy it next week." His wife clarified to him that we should say Insha Allah for things that are yet to happen, not for those things that had already happened. He never forgot his "Insha Allah" again.



An elderly lady was well-known for her Iman and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say Alhamdulilah "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by. Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer" Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!" The atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "Alhamdulilah, Allah be praised!." The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "ALHAMDULILAH WA SHUKRILLAH”. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

this made me laugh so hard lol poor guy

An Imam was selling his horse in the market. An interested buyer came to him and requested if he could get a test drive. The Imam told the man that this horse is unique. In order to make it walk, you have to say Subhanallah. To make it run, you have to say Alhamdulillah and to make it stop, you have to say Allahu Akbar. The man sat on the horse and said Subhanallah. The horse started to walk. Then he said Alhamdulillah and it started to run. He kept saying Alhamdulillah and the horse started running faster and faster. All of a sudden the man noticed that the horse is running towards the edge of the hill that he was riding on. Being overly fearful, he forgot how to stop the horse. He kept saying all these words out of confusion. When the horse was just near the edge, he remembered Allahu Akbar and said it out loud. The horse stopped just one step away from the edge. The man took a deep breath, looked up towards the sky and said Alhamdulillah!
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I love watching his videos they always make me smile hopefully you will too

Nasrudin was traveling through the wilderness with a companion. They had become lost and food was running low. Eventually they were down to the last morsel of food. They looked at the food, then at each other.

"It is more blessed to give than to receive", said the companion.

"In that case", said Nasrudin, "I will give you the blessing of giving me the food!"

thought this was hilarious who knew chewy had game lol

What not to get your boss for his birthday...unless you want to get fired

Three men were outside talking with each other one day, when the time for salatul dhuhr came in. It was a beautiful day and so they decided that they would pray outside.

They lined up; the imam in front, leading the prayer, and the two other men in a row behind him. The iqama was called and the prayer began.

Toward the end of the salah, during the last unit of prayer, a stray cat leisurely crossed in front of the two men in the back row. The first man said angrily, "Shoo, cat, shoo!" The second man said rebukefully, "You aren't supposed to talk during salah!", and a moment later the imam up front said smugly, "Ah, Alhamdulillah, I didn't talk."

this made me facepalm

thought these muslim "pick up" lines were a lil funny

) "OH MY GOSH! I just saw part of your hair, now you're obliged to marry me."

2) "Our parents engaged us when we were little, they must have forgotten to tell you."

3) "I'd like to be more than just your brother in Islam."

4) "To watch you pray is a sin of its own."

5) "Will my platinum VISA cover your dowry?"

6) "You can't play basketball with a hijab on, marry me, and we will go one-on-one our entire life."

7) "Muslims are supposed to have many children, and I am more than willing to do my part..."

"Will you help the cause of the Ummah by helping me fulfill my deen?"

9) "Wanna pray in jamaat? shoulder to shoulder, feet to feet?"

10) "Assalamualaikum, so what time does a hurain (beautiful person from Jannah) like you have to be back in paradise?"

11) "What school of thought do you follow because I thought about you all through school"

12) "Can I have your mahram's phone number?"

13) "So, read any good Surahs lately?"

14) "Do you believe in the hereafter? Oh you do? Then you know what I'm hereafter."

15) "Would you like to see my collection of Bukhari's?"

16) "Lets get married so I dont have to lower my gaze everytime you walk in the room"

A girl fell off the roof - An American guy caught her and the girl being grateful said, "Thank you for saving my life, I'll do any thing for you."
The American guy said, "Kiss me."
The girl got angry and said, "Never, you pig, what sort of girl you think I am?" and slapped him.
The American guy dropped her - As she was falling a German caught her, She being grateful said, "Thank you, I'd do any thing for you."
The German guy said, "Kiss me."
The girl said, "Never, what sort of person do you think I am."
The German guy dropped her.
As she was falling a Muslim caught her.
This time the Girl thought its not a big price to pay, Being grateful she said, “Thank you for saving my life, I'd do any thing for you, I'd kiss you if you want."
The Muslim shocked, said, "As-tegh-firullah” and dropped her.

this makes sense

A man came to Iyas Ibn Mu'awiyah, a Muslim judge famous for his wisdom, and the following conversation took place between them:

Man: What is the Islamic ruling regarding wine?

Judge: It is Haram (Forbidden).

Man: How about water?

Judge: It is Halal (Permissible).

Man: How about dates and grapes?

Judge: They are Halal.

Man: Why is it that all these ingredients are Halal, and yet when you combine them, they become Haram?

The judge looked at the man and said: If I hit you with this handful of dirt, do you think it would hurt you?

Man: It would not.

Judge: How about if I hit you with this handful of straw?

Man: It would not hurt me.

Judge: How about a handful of water?

Man: It surely would not hurt me.

Judge: How about if I mix them, and let them dry to become a brick, and then hit you with it, would it hurt you?

Man: It would hurt me and might even kill me!

Judge: The same reasoning applies to what you asked me!!
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The young girl who isn't an atheist like her teacher


A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they're atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Zainab has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?" "I'm a Muslim." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Zainab why she is a Muslim. "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My mom is a Muslim, and my dad is a Muslim, so I am a Muslim."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly, "what if your mom was a moron,and your dad was a moron, - what would you be then?" She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Zainab, "I'd be an atheist."